All-Natural Diet

INT. A RESTAURANT – EVENING

JEFF is waiting at a table. BRENT enters. He is deathly pale, limping and breathing heavily.

JEFF

Oh my God, Brent! Are you okay?

BRENT waves Jeff off and sits down.

BRENT

(rasping) Never better! Did you order yet? I’m starving.

JEFF

You look like it. I ordered oysters.

BRENT

Ooh, can’t. Restricted diet.

BRENT calls over the WAITER.

BRENT

Excuse me, do you have any Poison Pie?

WAITER

Oui monsieur. Right away.

The waiter leaves.

JEFF

Did you just order a poison pie?

BRENT

It’s not what it sounds like. Poison Pie is a type of mushroom…

JEFF

Oh.

BRENT

…that’s extremely poisonous.

JEFF

What?

BRENT

Yep. I’ll probably have both-ends diarrhea for most of the afternoon. Until I pass out. And then for few minutes after that. So how’s Carol?

JEFF

What kind of diet makes you eat mushrooms you know are poisonous?!

BRENT

Oh, it’s so much more than poisonous mushrooms, Jeff. It’s poisonous everything. Today I had a fistful of poison ivy for lunch and a glass of rancid milk for breakfast. There’s this place I love that makes a hemlock salad… Mm! You’d just die. My date did. I should call her parents…

JEFF

What’s wrong with you?

BRENT

Nothing, now. See Jeff, we put so much processed food and (making air quotes) “medicine” into our bodies that they’re starting to change. That’s why we’re fat and not happy all the time the way they were in cave times. The Cro-Magnon diet lets you return your body to its natural state, before humans knew which plants were poisonous, or whether it was okay to eat a rotting fish carcass from the pond the village used as a toilet.

JEFF

So because cavemen didn’t know what was poisonous-

BRENT

It just makes sense to eat natural, highly toxic food. Did you know that Cro-Magnon man didn’t have cancer?

JEFF

Because he was dead before his early twenties.

Brent shakes his head knowingly.

BRENT

You really have to read Doctor Stierscheisz book. Oh, sorry: (making air quotes) “Doctor” Stierscheisz. He doesn’t have a medical degree so much as a really comprehensive YouTube channel.

Suddenly, Brent grips the table and SPASMS.

JEFF

Are you okay?!

Brent leans back into his chair, smiling.

BRENT

Whew. Guess that rancid milk caught up with me. You know what they say: you don’t buy rancid milk, you just rent it.

JEFF

Jesus…

BRENT

People get so squeamish about vomit and explosive diarrhea, but really there’s no better way to purge toxins from your body.

JEFF

That’s what your body’s doing! It’s purging all this toxic, unhealthy crap you’re putting into it!

BRENT

Exactly! The other day, my stool was mostly blood. Think of all the toxins that must have been in there!

The WAITER arrives with the oysters and a small basket of mushrooms.

WAITER

Monsieurs’ oysters and Poison Pie. Are we ready to order entrees?

JEFF

(exhausted) I’ll have the Porterhouse, rare, and a glass of Scotch, neat. Make it a triple.

BRENT

And I’ll have a broken-open thermometer and a Tupperware container filled with hydrochloric acid. And breadsticks.

JEFF

I thought you didn’t eat bread.

BRENT

Oh, I’m done with that gluten-free fad. What a load of horseshit.

Brent and Jeff wink at the audience while the waiter does an overelaborate soft shoe routine, finishing with an exaggerated flourish. End.